Goodnight Moon

My friend has to look at the moon for her astrology class. She has to look to the south at night and document how the moon looks.

Tonight the moon looked magnificent. So I texted the word "moon" to her.

She replied back, "where?"

I texted back, "in the sky."

Where I was I could see this sharp contrast between the moon to the south and clouds to the west. The moon was gorgeous. Half of it shining brightly through a thin white cloud made it seem for a minute that I was in the Twilight movie even though I didn't fear vampires taking me.

I wish it could be my desktop background.

So there I was driving west towards the darkness with the moon to my left shining into the dash of the car. The artist Mat Kearney playing through the stereo put it over the top. He has a line in the song "Lifeline" that I like.

"The world is too big to never ask why
The answers don't fall straight out of the sky
I'm fighting to live and feel alive
But I can't feel a thing without you by my side
Send me out a lifeline"

The moon is far away.

Life seems far away sometimes. You feel disconnected, alone, and distant.

Maybe we expect all our answers to come shooting out of the sky instead of looking right by our side. Maybe we're all blind to the thought that instead of something that is distance and imaginative what we're looking for is close and real. I can't feel a thing when I don't feel real, connected, or close. Everything seems grey, pointless, and lifeless. I feel as if there is no beauty of this world. Then that lifeline hits me and I take it. I feel saved by grace and this grey world suddenly has color, meaning, and feeling.

As I drove deeper the clouds got heavier and the light almost vanished. It felt like I was driving at midnight. The car lights seemed brighter than usual and the surrounding area seemed less detailed.

I think clouds are emotional.

If they're white and puffy they just soaked up some sun rays like little cotton balls. Low and dark means they're it's been a long day and I don't even think sunlight can brighten my day. If it rains, it's sad and if there is lighting, it's angry and abusive. Fog seems to me like it doesn't know what the future holds. We never describe our emotions with clouds.

"How are you doing?"

"Eh, partly cloudy. Might be fog tomorrow."

As I drove deeper into the clouds the moon eventually disappeared and as I unpacked my car all I could see what clouds and all I could feel was a cold wind against me. I wish the moon would come back to fight off the clouds.

I guess even mother nature has to sleep.

Goodnight Moon.

Cars

The window at my dorm overlooks 35W so I get to see cars going left and right all day long. At night it is an added presence as white lights point one way while red point another.

Cars always seem to be moving when we use them. Nobody sits in their car just to enjoy a car. My friend would call cars big tools.

There is a deck in my dorm. It's great because you can sit out on it and do two things: spy on your neighbors or listen to the cars go by. It's wonderfully fantastic. I haven't done either because there is a wasp currently trapped between the screen door and the glass door and I am too scared to go out there for fear of a wasp sting.

I respect wasps.

Car noises are never considered beautiful. A cars noise can be pretty. A engine revving through the road hugging turns and pulsating like a heart. A car is a pleasant monster wanting to be released but if another monster joins in they scream and cry towards each other and then it is not such a pleasant monster. I respect monsters.

We all have experiences in cars, right?

I have had experiences in cars.

I was scared once. I felt a little less of a man once. I cried once. I sang The Classic Crime's "Far From Home" all alone. I sang it with friends too. I sang so loud that I heard my own voice crack and still kept on singing. I smiled. I sped. I flicked my turn signal really fast to make the car look cool. My best experience was when a girl on a bike waved at me and I waved back. I felt loved. I have sat in silence with friends just listening.

I always buckled up though, except that time my friends blindfolded me and threw me in the trunk. That was fun.

I have awesome friends.

I imagine the cars on 35W are always going somewhere. This just a part of the drive, a part of the road, a part of the life.

If the road of life is like how the cars on 35W drive then I want to slow down. I want to stop the car and experience all those memories, write them down, and then get back in the car and find another.

The cars going left and the cars going right always seem to intersect at one point in the road. They look like they are going to hit at one point but they always miss because there is a median between the roads.

I wonder if people ever wonder what they missed out on? I do, because I guess what I missed was just on the other side of the median and at that moment that we intersected we went our other ways.

I hope it comes back...

Running Away

I am running away
running away from myself
from who I was
from who I am
and from who I will become
from the socially acceptable
from the norms of the norms
from the judgements
from the rage
I am running away

I am running away
sprinting to find a new me
to where my heart belongs
to where my soul yearns
to the socially outcast
to the fearful
to the needy
to the lonely
to the hopeless
to the lowest of the lows
I am running to you

I am running for you
so that you know the place where the breathing is easy
and the sky is always sunny
and where the smiles are natural and genuine
where Gods love is known
and we filled our holes with that
where community is defined by actions
not just hopes
where art brings tears to everyone
even the most hearty of men
I am running for you

Lord, let me run for You
Lord, let me run for You