Song of the Week 12-31-11

Inception + Dubstep + Dancing = This

Song of the Week 12-24-11

Beauty of a second...

Song of the Week 12-17-11

Sometimes all it takes is a smile...

Song of the Week 11-19-11

I kind of like this song. It says, "I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good once I get it." Maybe the Pursuit of Happyness is pursuing God. Plus there is some weird guitar player with a big flashing box over his eyes. Who doesn't love that?

Song of the Week 11-12-11

I found this song while watching wedding videos online. Yes, I watch wedding videos.

Song of the Week 11-5-11

Remember, Remember, the 5th of November

When The Truck Went Under

I had a dream two weeks ago. There was a man sitting in an old truck in the middle of a lake with the window down and I got to see the whole thing from my house overlooking the lake. The truck wasn't completely underwater, yet, but I remember thinking it was weird seeing a guy with a truck in the middle of a lake. So, to reiterate.

Guy in truck.
Truck in lake.
Me in house.
House overlooking lake.
Me watching guy in truck.

I remember being with my family in the kitchen and once I saw the truck I really kept my eyes on it wondering what was going to happen next. Dreams are hard to remember but what I do remember was the truck was filling up with water by slowly going over the open window.

Then all of sudden the guy drove the truck and it went completely underwater. It was like the truck went over a cliff on the bottom of the lake. Bubbles came up from underwater and then it hit me that this guy wanted to commit suicide. Then someone on the other side of the lake screamed for help.

When the truck went underwater, and this is where I feel bad, I paused. I hesitated and I am not sure whether it was out of shock or out of compassion. Amongst the screams of terror from across the lake I was not sure what to do. I mean, this is what he wanted, this is the way he wanted to go. Who was I to stop him? I hesitated, and then went into adrenaline mode. I ran outside, jumped over a railing, sprinted over some walking stones, and dove into the water.

I should let you know, I am a terrible swimmer. I actually can't even dive well, or hold my breath for that long, but this is a dream, so I could do those things.

I dove into the water, found the truck after a bit of swimming and felt around for the door handle. I knew the window was open so I unlocked the door from the inside. I then looked at the guy, and here is where it gets fuzzy on the details, but I can't remember whether he was passed out or fighting me from saving him. I unlatched his seat belt and either got him out of the door or through the window.

Then I woke up, back to reality. I'm not sure whether I saved his life or even got him above water.

Song of the Week 10-29-11

God makes beautiful things...even out of dust.

When The Semi Became Less Scary

Last week I was driving down the highway when I passed a semi-truck.

I hate semi-trucks. I hate driving near them, behind them, in front of them, and especially alongside them. They are just big scary monsters that could run me right over if they felt like it. The semi is quite wide too, and I feel like my lane is being overtaken when I drive next to them. Kind of like the scene in Star Wars when they are stuck in the garbage shoot and the walls are slowly closing in on them. I get that feeling.

I usually just drive really fast by them so I don't have to deal with the feeling of being destroyed at sixty miles an hour. I also imagine that being my excuse to the cop that pulls me over. "Yes sir, I was going pretty fast, but did you see that semi that had it in for me? It was going to destroy me so I ran away."

I have a great amount of respect for semi-truck drivers though, because they know the rules of the road, or at least most of them do. I think they are really good drivers in an insufficient vehicle for their skills. One night, I was driving back to school and a semi passed another semi on the highway. The semi wanted to get back into the right lane because they were slowing down traffic. So the semi that got passed flashed their brights when the passing semi had enough room to merge in front of them. I thought it was awesome and have wanted to do the same since.

But last week I saw a semi and I passed it quickly like always. I had enough time though to look inside the passenger side of the semi and to my surprise there was a kid sitting in the seat. I could only assume that is was the drivers son. A son that the driver probably hadn't seen in awhile. Supposedly semi-truck drivers are on the road so much that they don't see their family a lot. Supposedly they get super lonely on the road too. This kid in the passenger side of the semi was all wide-eyed, looking down the road, like he was having a good time. I felt compassion for semi-truck drivers everywhere and my feeling of being destroyed slowly went away.

That is when, to me, the scary monsters of the road became the gentle giants.

Song of the Week 10-22-11

Paradise is different for each person. Sometimes it is far away and sometimes it is right under our feet.

God Is After You

He's just waiting...

...for you.

Song of the Week 10-15-11

Someone in high school once told me that this could be my theme song, and I agree. I loved playing it in pep band, and as I was thinking about pep band I thought of this song, and then I thought about epic sepia tone pictures of me on a horse with a cowboy outfit with an epic sunset in the background.

Learning More About Myself

One of the perks of being an RA is having the opportunity to take free tests to learn about yourself.

So far I have taken two tests. I took Strengthsfinder and Myers-Briggs. After I take the test we have a big group meeting where we learn more about these tests and each category.

For Strengthsfinder I got:
Restorative - I love to solve problems.
Belief - I have core values that shapes my behavior.
Connectedness - I believe we are all part of something bigger.
Harmony - I think there is little to gain from conflict and friction.
Developer - I see the potential in others.

I think that pretty much describes me.

For Myers-Briggs I got ISFJ which means:
Introverted - Energized by the inner world.
Sensing - Work with known facts.
Feeling - Base decisions on personal values.
Judging- Planned, decided ways of life (closure).

If you're familiar at all with this test you know the other options from mine are Extroverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.

I actually mostly tested in the middle between both extremes, which I kind of disagree with. If I were to take the test again I believe things would turn out differently. During the meeting I graded myself as a INFJ. A lot of this test depends on how you felt during the test and a lot of times people always have a little of both. I was also conflicted between who I think I am and who I want to become.

Either way, it was pretty interesting. It is usually hard for me to analyze myself and figure who I am as a person so these tests help get another perspective on things. It is an interesting question to ask yourself, "how well do I know me?" or at least I think it is interesting because I sometimes feel like I don't know who I am anymore. So, if you want, Google the two tests above and see if you can find a free one online, or ask a friend to analyze you.

Song of the Week 10-8-11

I've wanted to say this for a long time.  Eff all y'all!

Bring XXX To The Front

I was on the road to a leadership retreat and was spending my time staring out the window for three hours singing along to whatever was playing on the radio.

While traveling I caught a glimpse of something on the side of the road. It was a worn down, beat-up, XXX adult store. My first thought was, "that place needs a new coat of paint," and then, "that would be an interesting church service project."

Could you imagine?

(Knock, knock, knock)
Owner: uh, hello?
Church: Hey, we're from (church name) and we saw your building could use a new coat of paint. If it's alright with you, we would like to paint it for you.

You can finish that little story how you want, that's how far my mind wandered.

Anyways, farther behind the XXX store was a bigger and newer looking store that had cool flags waving in the wind. It looked like a place of happiness and fun. I did not get a good glimpse of what kind of store it was, but it kind of like one of those party supply stores.

I think it is a great analogy. Bringing our XXX or pain or secrets or "dirt" closer to the road so that more people are likely to see it. I believe, once we get past that, the party can begin. That is when we looked past the XXX and see the party behind it.

I like it more than the other way around, with the party place in the front, because eventually someone is going to go out the back door of the party and see all the XXX, and once they learn all those things, they can't unlearn them.

So I like it with the XXX in the front. I like it because when we walk by it and people ask about it we can say, "Yes, we've been there and we gotten through it, and yes it was tough, but let me tell you, it made this place even more special. It's so real here, at this happy place, so clean, so open. Why? Because we've been there, we've been to the XXX store of our lives, we know about all those things, and we accept you, and forgive you. So let's party"

Does that make sense? I'm not literally talking about walking through a XXX store. What I mean is revealing your dirt your pain your struggles your insecurities your habits your emotions your scars your...XXX's. Your inner XXX store that you hide from everyone else in the world. It's hard to do, to disclose of such things but it is so rewarding in my opinion.  What's left to hide after we have nothing to hide from?

I'll try to find this place on Google Maps. It has not been successful so far. That way we know where to go when we want to do a service project.

Song of the Week 10-1-11

My roommate bought Prince of Egypt on iTunes, which reminded me of this song, which reminded me to join the dance.

Goliath Eyes

I was on the road to a leadership retreat.  It was three hours of sitting in the very back row of a van all to myself.

So I had lots of time to look around.

At one point we passed a yellow Mitsubishi, with a rather large man wearing a yellow sleeveless shirt.

We made eye contact for a brief second which is not as awkward as it sounds.

It was one of those unique moments of eye contact.  Those moments where it only lasts a second but you feel like you know them.  Like you know their story.  His eyes were comforting.  They were singing songs of pain, song of a history, songs of peace.

I felt like I was looking at Goliath.  I am not sure why, but I felt bad for him.

Then I wondered what the real Goliath of the Bible looked like while going into battle.  What story did his eyes tell?  I wonder if it was anything like the man I saw?

Then I thought about what David looked like while throwing his stone.

I just read the story of David and Goliath (1 Samuel 17).  It's definitely not like it was in Sunday School.  Lots of smack talk, and in the end David cuts off the head of Goliath and brings it to Jerusalem.

Song of the Week 9-24-11

Pretty good song. Yup.

Ready To Die

My high school German teacher died last week. After overcoming cancer earlier in her life it came back and eventually took her life.

It never really occurred to me what an influence she was on my life. I definitely took it for granted. She was joy, and it was her gift to the world. Always happy, always smiling. I tear up thinking of her smiling. Tears of joy.

But there are times where I
just
can't
handle it.

I lose my focus at what I am doing, think of her, and then my eyes tear up.  I then realize what is going on, and I come back trying to avoid people looking at me. All because I don't want the attention, because I don't know how to explain it.

The thing that gets me every time was that she was ready to die, just waiting to breathe her final breath. She was talking about going to see God, to go home, to dance in heaven.

But I just can't handle it. I mean, I almost have this urge to shout, "STAY ALIVE, KEEP BREATHING, THIS IS HOME" but there is no response, just a look of peace, a look saying that, someday, you'll know this feeling.

And maybe someday I will know that feeling.
But right now I just can't wrap my mind around it.
She was ready to die though.
In quietness and confidence was her strength.

Song of the Week 9-17-11

Hosanna means, "save us!"

We sang this song at EBC a couple of weekends ago and the worship pastor set it up perfectly. He talked about how he expected to be a complete wreck because his wife is expecting a child soon and how God has been working through him in this time. He said how we don't say, "God, Hosanna" enough or soon enough. Anyways, that's why I now like this song.

Here's a different version.

Summer Dreams

I had some dreams this summer. I only wrote down two though.

One: Trees

All the trees were cut down in the front yard.

One dying tree.

This dream had all of the trees cut down. It was very bright because there was less shade and it was a lot easier to mow the lawn. That was my first thought about it.  How it would be easier to mow the lawn.

Now thinking about it I think it would not be fun mowing the lawn without any trees.  The sun would beat down on  me and even though I wouldn't have to duck under branches and leaves I would get really hot and sweaty.

So what does it mean?

Two: Biking and timing

I had this same dream two nights in a row.

In this dream I went biking with my parents and for some reason we had an instructor. I guess in the dream my family got super into biking. The dream seemed to be all about biking properly and pedaling at the right time, going up hills and down hills, knowing when to pedal and when not too.

I remember going down a steep hill and then crossing a  bridge.  I also remember never being on time. I was always late, always making some mistakes along the way to make me late.  My instructor pointed them out to me too and eventually I got to the point where I knew when I did it wrong.  There was always an emphasis on timing, on the clock.  Very strange with the possibility of being meaningful.

So what does it mean?

Song of the Week 9-10-11

I hear this song on KOOL108 all the time and it has that epic kind of feeling to it so I found this epic video. Enjoy.

I Did Something Pretty Crazy

In a half-flirting-half-being-super-weird-and-spontaneous I wrote a letter to a girl that I sort of don't know and made it out to be a spontaneous act of random kindness.  I didn't sign my name or anything I just wrote a letter. I also gave her a CD.

So it was a 50/50 kind of thing. Half spontaneous, half anonymous flirting.

In the letter I wrote that i am trying to be more spontaneous in life.

Which is true.

I also added that I was nervous writing the letter.

Also true.

Also told her I picked her PO out at random.

A lie. I had her planned the whole time.

This idea popped in my head this summer one day. The thought was simple, get someone a random gift with a random letter. After that thought, this girl popped in my head. So I combined both of them into this spontaneous task.

I debated with for awhile whether to reveal myself or not in the letter.  I decided that maybe somehow, some-way she would find me and it would be a magical Hollywood ending.  So I lied to myself thinking that that would happen and didn't sign my name.  I actually signed it, "I should put my name here but I'm not."

So what I did was more spontaneous than daring. I was still nervous doing it though.  All-in-all it was pretty crazy; something that I probably would not have done last year.

Hopefully it made her day.  I hope she isn't calling an investigator.  That would be weird.

Anyways, I started off the year by doing something crazy.  What have you done lately?

Song of the Week 9-3-11

Kanye is a pretty vulgar artist but for some reason I like listening to his music. He seems so raw, so authentic.

2:00AM

I wrote this in the summer...

It's 2:00am and I can't sleep.

It's 2:00am and I can't stop thinking.

My mind won't stop running.

It's 2:00am and my alarm clock goes off in 4 hours.

It's 2:00am and I want someone to scratch my back.

It's 2:00am and I just want to be good at something.

It's 2:00am and this pattern always happens.

It's 2:00am and I'm home alone.

It's 2:00am and sleep is avoiding me.

It's 2:00am and the paper comes to my front doorstep in two hours. Trust me.

It's 2:00am and I want cherry juice.  
Supposedly it helps you sleep.

It's 2:00am and the floor is much more comfortable than my bed.

I like it down here.

Fall asleep, fall asleep, FALL ASLEEP!!!

It's 2:00am and I want whiter teeth.

It's 2:00am and I'm alone; even sleep avoids me.

Yawn.

Now it's 2:10am.

Song of the Week 8-27-11

Watch it on YouTube. I first heard this song at EBC and have liked it every since.

My favorite line, which I have been whistling for a good week now is,
"Oh Praise the One
Who paid my debt
And raised this life
Up from the dead"

Here's a Link

Because I have nothing really to write about.

So here's a link.

Song of the Week 7-30-11

If you ride in the Mustang with me the second CD slot is empty because it is waiting to be filled with Kearney's new CD that comes out August 2nd.

Song of the Week 7-16-11

I like this song and I haven't figured out why. Buried deep down is something about beginnings and endings and somewhere in the middle. It reminds me of picking yourself back up and a nod to the future while also a nod to the past.

Growing Up

I remember in third grade thinking that fourth grade would be the year. Just the year, the year that I was older, more mature, ready to take on the world, and get a girlfriend who would be with me forever. It would be the year I would be more of an adult, ready for all responsibilities, and grab a drink with the boys after a hard days work.

I remembering thinking the same in fourth and fifth grade.

Then sixth grade came and you were at the top of the elementary chain. It was so much power, so much greatness. You finally knew what it was like to be worshiped by the younger kids.

Then seventh grade comes and I was back at the bottom again and I knew then that it wouldn't be that year again for five more years.

I remember always wanting to be eighteen years old so I could call those 1-800 numbers I saw on television all the time.

Then eighteen came and it wasn't all that special.

The same with age twenty-one.

Twenty-one feels like sixteen sometimes. Still immature, not sure what in the world I am doing, and feeling misunderstood. It's like adult puberty.

I say all this because at a very young age all I wanted to do was be a grown-up with my dream job and my dream woman. I just could not wait to get older, be taller, and have a deeper voice.

And now that time is here. I am now an adult, given adult responsibilities, and making adult decisions.

But now I don't want to be an adult. I want to be a kid again, where food shows up in front of me, laundry does itself, and I never have to buy anything.

Now I get scared when people treat me as an adult because I'm not ready. It is apparent when I'm working and people take my words and ideas seriously.

People communicate differently to me now. Things have changed and I guess I'm just a little slow in accepting it. Another thing about the future that scares me.

It's about 2:30am now when I am writing this. I've been a night owl for as long I remember but these late nights are getting bad.

I've had trouble falling asleep lately. I'm not sure why. I recently "upgraded" to a queen size bed and since then sleeping has been hard. So tonight I am going back to my kids bed because I feel like I'll sleep better on it. We'll see.

Song of the Week 7-9-11

I've been on a Kings of Leon thing lately.

Firework Celebration

I'm sitting in my house right now and fireworks are going off outside. It sounds almost like what I imagine a war zone being.

Anyways, I'm not all for the celebration of the independence of America with fireworks and stuff because it borders on society worshiping their country, which is something I don't like (and you shouldn't either). Jesus is the only one we should worship. That sounds cliche' but it is true, we cannot serve two masters.

So, I made up other reasons to go watch fireworks other than America's dependence from Britain.

Let's celebrate Jesus dying on the cross for us with fireworks.
Let's celebrate Jesus raising from the dead with fireworks.
Let's celebrate Jesus saving our souls from hell with fireworks.
Let's celebrate having friends, family, and community with fireworks.
Let's celebrate all the blessings we have in life with fireworks.
Let's celebrate summer with fireworks.
Let's celebrate creation with fireworks. (except mosquitoes)

So there is my rant on America, Jesus, and fireworks.

Song of the Week 7-2-11

A little Mumford & Sons... I don't get the beginning or the end...

Waiting For School

This is what happens when you're bored at school, sitting in the library before Spring Break, and doing the grand pastime of people watching.

I'm sitting in the library at Bethel and can't think of anything to write.

I like people watching. Maybe I'll do that.

The majority of people at the computer lab are males and about 80% of them have what I would consider short hair. One has glasses.

Most of the girls are on the other side of the individual computer stations where the slower and older computers are located. Whenever they stand up I can see them walk around.

I've heard the beeper at the entrance of the library about three times since I got here a little over an hour ago, which is a little out of the ordinary. A lot of people must be trying to steal books today. It is a lot louder than I recall in the past because I can hear it over my Avett Brothers music playing through my headphones.

Nothing exciting is happening or worth noting.

Writer's block.

School is about a month and a half away. For some odd reason I am excited to go back to school. I don't know why. Maybe because it is 2:30am when I finally finished this draft or maybe it's because I did a bunch of internship homework the past two nights. Anyways, the senior year ahead should be interesting as to what the future holds for me.

By the looks of it, I won't be following in my brothers footsteps of marrying the weekend after I graduate (shout-out to you big bro) and that is ok with me. The future doesn't seem scary to me right now in this moment. I am not sure what I want to do for a career and that doesn't scare me. It's a relief to me, who usually hides away when thinking about the future.

Song of the Week 6-25-11

Classic...

Last Minutes with Oden

My eyes get dried out sometimes, especially this summer.

My mom says it is because of allergies. I haven't accepted this truth yet.

When my eyes get dried out I would rub them and splash water on them until the itch stopped.

Now I watch this video because it makes me cry every time.

Every time.

I don't know the man in the video.

I've never owned a dog.

But it strikes something deep inside.

Something that you feel.

His insights about God are amazing too.

Oden had a universal job, and like he said, his job was done. His friends would sit on the couch in pain and Oden would just be there friend. His whole job was just serving. Oden taught us love.

If only we could be more like Oden.

Song of the Week 6-18-11

Shouldn't we all be doing this?

Rush Hour Traffic

For time reference: This happened like mid-May

I was driving back to school after coaching a baseball game and I decided to take another way back just for fun.

Mistake 1: I drove back on interstate 94 during rush hour traffic.
Mistake 2: I had to take an exit next to University Avenue where road construction is making way for light rail.
Mistake 3: We lost the baseball game so I was pretty frustrated and stressed out. (not really a mistake, but a contributing factor)

Traffic was backed up, I was getting inpatient and frazzled with everything going on with the day. I was switching lanes getting ready to exit when all of a sudden everyone started moving like crazy, getting into the shoulder, making room for something.

There was an ambulance trying to weave through traffic. I thought: What could be more stressful than that?

After the ambulance passed I realized something.

Everyone in traffic knew that they didn't have it as bad as the ambulance. Whatever the ambulance was doing was far superior than their priorities. So, we, as a group, got out of the way to make way for what's more important. My frustrations were lifted after that, everything seemed a little better.

The rest of the drive didn't go so well, after weaving through multiple parking lots and construction zones I finally made it back to school.

I promised myself to keep consistent and stay away from that area for a long time.

Song of the Week 6-11-11

A friend of mine says you don't really know someone until you see them cry, laugh, and get angry. Each one of those may be meeting them for the first time. Through hardships and pain is when we seem to grow closer to one another.

Boats

I don't really like boats.

I've never really enjoy being out on the water.

Not a big swimmer either.

So when I go to my cabin on a lake I usually end up being peer pressured into going into the boat and doing some water activity.

It was like this awhile ago.

The water was freezing cold due to the long winter but we went out anyway and I went with them, but only to observe.

So I was all bundled up on the boat, preparing for the worst, and I realized something.

It's not the water activity that makes it fun, it's the people on the boat. This, I realized, is probably the biggest reason I go onto the boat. To commune with my friends and family; to interact and tell stories later.

I think that's why it's worth jumping on the boat.

I still don't really like boating or water activities all that much. It is repetitive and contained. But the people on the boat is different, the time on the boat is different, which in turn makes the story of the boat different, un-repetitive, and un-contained.

So bring on the boat, and the activities to follow.

To the Black Pearl, or the U.S.S. George Bush, or whatever my friends call it now-a-days.

Song of the Week 6-4-11

This makes me miss Texas...

Without Facebook

I've been without facebook for about a month.

I deactivated, aptly named the "super log-off," my account for the summer. At least, the summer is my goal.

Facebook, or what I call "The Facebook"(extra emphasis on The) or "Book of Faces", has not been a huge temptation for me yet.

I am surprised by this because I thought it would be much worse.

I think the transition out of it was easy because at the time my schedule was so busy.

The reason I deactivated is because it was a goal of mine made on my 21st birthday.

My friends have supported me on this decision, which is nice.

Some things are a little harder. I've been sending more texts messages.  I feel slightly less connected to people, but nothing significant.

Still have the twitter.

Song of the Week 5-28-11

The lyrics in this song could be considered "sketchy" but it's summer, so just roll with it.

I think the video is pretty well-made too.

About Osama

They hold funerals for terrorists too.

They mourn the loss for a friend with tears too.

They have a family just like you and me.


We celebrated the joining of two people on Friday.

Now we celebrate the death of one person.

A little confusing.


One of the hardest prayers for me is too honestly ask God to bless my enemies.

I wonder if Jesus and Osama talked.

I wonder if Jesus had tears in His eyes or gave Osama a joyful hug.

I wonder if Osama cried tears of joy or tears of pain.


I wonder if Jesus washed his feet.

And then I wonder whose feet I should wash.

Song of the Week 4-30-11

My friend posted this on Facebook a long time ago and I always remember it for some reason. Revelry means unrestrained merrymaking, or boisterous festivity.

Song of the Week 4-23-11

My friend gave this to me awhile ago. It's all instruments.

Song of the Week 4-16-11

My dad sent this to me. Enjoy!

Song of the Week 4-9-11

A guy on my mission trip sang this during our down time. I think it deals with significant others, but I also think it deals with relationships. I think God gives us relationships.

Love Wins

Love Wins is a book by Rob Bell that deals with, "Heaven, Hell, and the fate of every person who ever lived." After hearing all the controversy on it I just had to read it. I mean, Bethel's newspaper wrote about it, John Piper tweeted about it, and Greg Boyd got an advanced copy and read it. You just have to read stuff like that if you're into that sort of thing.

Life after death has always been a big mystery to me. Death is such a dark thing to discuss, debate, and tackle. The end-all question is, "what happens after you die?" And nobody really knows because we're alive. In Bells' video he raises a lot of questions.

When I was reading this book I was listening to Kanye West and if you know anything about Mr. West you know he raps, he swears, says the "N" word, and recently lost his mother. I wondered, is he going to heaven or is he going to hell?

Even after reading it I find it hard to explain the vastness of such a topic. This makes me want to read the book again.

The first three chapters of the book describe heaven, hell, and an introduction the discussion about the two. Bell asks questions. How are we "saved?" How do you get in or out? He then talks about how heaven is dimensional. How it's happening now and we're a part of it. (deep right?) Then he talks about hell. Which is a real place that in Jesus' day was the town dump with a constant fire.

The last five chapters talk about God, His part in this, and our part in this. Bell explains brilliantly the beauty of God, how He will never give up on us, how He gives us freedoms because He loves us so much, and how He has to play the relationship game by our rules by limiting Himself.

It made me fall in love with a Jesus I never experienced before.

One of the most interesting things that I found was a few paragraphs about separating from God by being surrounded by God. Something that I could relate too being surrounded by a Christian school and going to chapel and church every week. I thought about going to high school, never really living out that Christian walk and then going to Texas for a year where I was on my own and that separation away from my foundation back home brought me closer to God.

I was surrounded by godly influences, but lived separately from Him.

I lived away from godly influences, but surrounded myself with Him.

I think my freshman year of college is where I grew the most in my relationship with God. Something that I try to grow at this very moment. It was when I was "cut-off" from those comforts and foundation where I "bloomed." Would it be a stretch to say college saved my walk with God?

My review of Love Wins is a positive one. Something that you should read, and read slowly. I think I read it too fast. It's not a formula about heaven and hell or a recipe to how to live your life. It is, to me, another view to the beauty of God, encouraging people to discuss this topic of heaven and hell and what is reveals about God.

This whole concept of heaven and hell is destroying my brain. I've been writing this blog for a good couple of hours, getting lost in the commentary of other blogs that love/hate Bell. So many factors go into such a deep discussion. You have to get to the essence of God and humanity. It is tearing down the walls of my religious upbringing.

Here's a video I found through Facebook:

Song of the Week 4-2-11

This makes me think about only having one life to live and how I live it daily.

Cool Beans

Want to see my blog in a more dynamic view? Click here to see my blog in styles such as Flipcard, Mosaic, Sidebar, Snapshot, and Timeslide.

Maybe it will be more aesthetically pleasing for you that way.

Anyways, a small, nerdy, blog for your weekend.

Mission Trip

View Larger Map

Well, this is a little different than my mission trip last year. In case you don't know, last year I had a blog entry every day recounting my days in New Orleans. This year was a little different.

First off, the street view above you is where I stayed. It's the white house in the back, slightly to the left of the center of the screen. If you have time, look directly behind you and you will see railroad tracks. I'll explain those below.

I went to West Virginia. Southern West Virginia. To be specific, Northfolk, West Virginia.

Our team was told about how this tiny town used to be one of the richest cities in the United States and is now one of the poorest. The reason it was so rich was because of the coal mining. They basically built a whole city around the coal mining factory and it flourished with schools, churches, and jobs. All the coal would be sent north, by train, to the steel factories in Pennsylvania.

As time went on, the coal industry revolutionized, got smaller, and needed less people so the town essentially became a ghost town as everyone left. Some people remained though.

Currently, the schools are closing and collaborating, stores are closing, and twenty people at a church service is "large."

A team of thirteen Bethel students drove to Northfolk and stayed at that house in the google street view above. We had the whole house, which slept thirty-six people, all to ourselves.

The organization we worked through was called Mustard Seeds & Mountains.

At night, the trains would rumble by honking their horns. Train horns are loud. The more we slept there the more we didn't notice the horns though. Pretty amazing if you ask me.

Most teams come in the summer.

The city lies between two mountains, so cell phone reception is unaccessible as well as the internet. So I was basically "off the grid" for a week. Which is a weird feeling and should be another blog itself.

Our team of thirteen split into three smaller teams to go to work sites where we would repair homes.

The team I was apart of worked up the street from the house at another one of the organizations houses, where more teams would be during the summer. There is where I primed and painted three rooms.

And that's about it. I painted three rooms.

A few other things. I talked with a 93-year-old woman, who cried when we left saying that she, "gets so lonely." Also met a dog named Gimli.

A little sad isn't it? Maybe just a little. We did save the work site manager, Lacy, at least four weeks of work. That felt nice to hear.

After working the teaching leader, Bob, would give a lesson, usually about the poor.

Here is a list of things I learned from these lessons.
1. COMPASSION is a big word, and it's essential
2. Realize the needs around you and use your talents to solve these needs.
3. Go to where needs are needed
4. We are hiding our hurts
5. Southern accents are cool

I would expand on those points but I'm trying to keep this blog as more of an overall overview of my trip, not a lengthy doctorate paper.

Overall, God taught me that not all His work will be noticed, that we should work with a humble heart, and to "open the box" or use our talents to help solve the needs around us.

And, in a nutshell, that is my mission trip. Looking back I wished I would've journaled every day. I probably would've remembered a lot more. Anyways, if you wish to know more talk to me, comment below, write me a letter, email, facebook, twitter, whatever other form of communication is out there and I am more than happy to tell you.

Song of the Week 3-26-11

This whole album is good. Listened to it at least five times over Spring Break. Get it.

Song of the Week 3-19-11

When this posts I'll be in a van heading back to Minnesota. Truth is, this song has made me cry.

Ambulance at Wendy's

It was riding in a car one night and saw an ambulance in the drive-thru of Wendy's.

I thought to myself, "well I have never seen that before." To be honest I was a little offended and very critical of the person/people in the ambulance at first. I mean, here are these people driving around saving lives in a mobile hospital and they're eating unhealthy food. What kind of example is that?

After my criticism of them I loosened up and searched for possible explanations to their lacking of healthy eating. I mean, maybe they're in a rush and couldn't prepare anything to eat. Maybe they're just getting something to drink. Maybe the patient in the back of the ambulance had a final wish to eat some Wendy's before they passed. I would honor that sort of request.

Originally after the last paragraph I wrote two more paragraphs about how doctors and nurses should be held to a higher standard and be a positive example for the surrounding community but I erased it all because I should held to a higher standard also.

Because I've been in plenty of drive-thru's.

And I'm supposed to save people.

And I'm supposed to drop my stone.

And get the plank out of my eye.

Body Parts | Ears

Ears.

We listen with our ears
And speak with our peers
What if our ears, produced tears?
And after all of these years
The only time I see them is in a mirror.

Kind of weird they're on the side of our head
And always cover one up when we lay in our bed
With ear-buds in, we never hear what they said
If we don't listen, would we be better off dead?

I love my ears, even if they're red.
Because without them, I'd never hear Michael Scott's, "That's what she said."

Ears.

Power of Secrets

This semester I'm taking a class where we do a group research project. Our group decided to do research on self-disclosure in a dating relationship. If you don't know, self-disclosure is when we reveal information about ourselves to another person. Usually, as the relationship grows stronger, the greater the depth of information is revealed. There are a bunch of other theories that I could throw at you but they're boring and don't get to the point.

Anyways, self-disclosure involves, in a sense, sharing secrets, but not in the gossip kind of way.

Secrets are a powerful force. The saying, "information is power" really strikes hard when it involves secrets. There is a website called Postsecret where you can mail in your secrets anonymously on a postcard. The goal of it is to not let your secrets take hold of you.

I think secrets can hold us back, which at times may be a good thing, and at times be a bad thing. The point of revealing a secret, of getting it off your chest, is that the secret no longer has control over you. You take control of the secret because it no longer defines you.

Secrets have power. A power to heal, to love, to destroy, and many more. I urge you to find a way to reveal your secrets. I believe they will reveal your true relationships and reveal God in a new light. Let your secrets be free, let them go.

Just let it go, let it go, let it go.

Song of the Week 3-12-11

When this posts I'll be in a van driving towards West Virginia. Rise Up!

Schrödinger's Cat

Watch the clip below.

That was the episode I saw when I first learned about Schrödinger's cat and they explained it far better than I ever could.

I find it very fascinating. So I will make three points on it.

First, we like boxes don't we?

I mean, humanity always seems to put parameters on things so that we are able to define it and interpret it in our minds. But then when something happens that is outside of these defined boundaries. We call it, "outside of the box." Something that is not normal, not ordinary, not comprehended. And when we meet this "outside of the box" thing we are blown away at it's beauty and majesty.

But why do we like boxes?

I think it is because the box is comfortable, safe, and secure. It's normal. All of our lives we've been told what to do, what not to do, to go to school, to find a mate, and so on and so forth. We seemed to be put into a box and have made it hard to reach out of it. When someone does seem to go outside-the-box it seems they're either worshiped or persecuted.

Second, I feel like we put God and all His attributes in a box.

I believe we do this in other aspects of life too. I've been told that understanding God's love is too hard for the human mind to fathom and I believe that is true. So much we try to put it into a science, into a box, and then something comes along that blows that box away and we try to define it again with another box. To reach and understand God's love is downright impossible. Words can't define it.

In Blue Like Jazz it talks about how we associate words with things such as friendship or cancer. It talks about how we use war metaphors for cancer like fight and battle and how we make it seem impossible to overcome it. This must make cancer patients feel good about their chances. Then it talks about friendship, how we value and invest in people. We put friendships in a economic box.

Third, you have to open the box in order to find out the truth.

The wordage, "waking up" has become such a buzz word to me that whenever I hear it I think of Greg Boyd and God. Weird, right? The best note I have ever received from someone says the words, "Matt! wake up!" It was because I was almost falling asleep in class but that buzz word popped out at me, so I kept it.

It's a rare sight to see but sometimes I see that moment of enlightenment where somebody "wakes up" and realizes the truth. Where they realize that God's love is infinite, and that infinite is really big. I think that is when their box breaks.

In my own life I'm trying to break the box. I'm trying to be more outgoing, almost more awkwardly-friendly to people. I try to say, "hello" to people in the hallways at an audible level. I'm trying to break out of that box, trying to become more like Jesus. I think Jesus was out of the box.

I'm trying to take more chances, or at least riskier chances. I mean, I'm not life-threatening challenges or anything like that. I'm just stepping out a little from my comfort zone.

It's scary and uncomfortable, but totally worth it.

Song of the Week 3-5-11

Well, this is about all I could find. The wonders of auto-tune. Enjoy!

Song of the Week 2-26-11

This is interesting. Bell is taking some heat for this. Not quite sure what exactly universalism is. Anyways, book is sitting in my shopping cart now.

Longing for Revelry

A little update on myself for you, the readers, because I feel it is necessary. I hope to keep this short, but there are no promises.

In the past few weeks I haven't been myself and I believe that it came out in my recent posts. I believe that I over-exaggerated some of my emotions during those posts.

To tell you that I wasn't feeling down in the dumps would be a lie. In the past few weeks I have been re-evaluating certain aspects of my life. I won't say I was depressed because I feel like the word "depressed" has deeper meaning. To say I was depressed would be an over-emphatic, hyperbolic, over-exaggerated choice of word.

During this time my two main points of evaluation were life, specifically my life and the way in which I wish to live, and girls, which seems stupid and immature but the main focus of this is relationships with girls, or woman, whichever you prefer. And by relationships with girls I mean the dating kind. Just so we're clear.

The center focus of this evaluating was my relationship with God. I have, as of lately, described my relationship with God as analogous to a marriage. With this in my mind, I came to the conclusion that my relationship with God was a failing marriage.

God, to me, became boring, which is something I believe a lot of people struggle with. As God got boring, so did my life. Nothing seemed to hold my attention. I was just wasting time watching youtube, playing minesweeper, or playing video games. I felt like a loser, like my life had no purpose or destination.

I kept it to myself, which in hindsight, was a bad choice. It wasn't until I opened up to a friend that things started getting better.

On that note, I've started taking charge in life and relationships.

In regards to relationships my main priority is now my relationship with God. This kicks the whole female gender out of there. I, for some reason, longed to have a girlfriend but since I have a fear of commitment this never happened. So my longing for a girlfriend and issues with commitment battled for some time going nowhere. So I am trying to no longer worry or even attempt to get a girlfriend. I have other things to deal with first like confidence, openness, and figuring out myself.

In regards to God becoming boring I have changed my living habits. The minesweeper quick launch icon on my desktop is now gone. I have already caught myself naturally looking for it when homework gets tedious. Instead of staying in my dorm room doing nothing I attempt to spend as much time as I can in the academic buildings. I like to walk around. I usually run into somebody I know that is willing to have a conversation with me. Friendships are much more fulfilling and purposeful than the internet.

I am attempting to go back into my old habit of reading non-academic books in my free time. Currently, I am re-reading Blue Like Jazz. I guess you could say I am attempting to do things that have a purpose or has significant value in life. Things like video games, youtube, and ipod card games are just so meaningless and unproductive. As my relationships and communication with other people increase so does my relationship with God.

I know this post in itself is a start.

"Dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something is the hard thing. Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recognition. We live for what we believe."

Blue Like Jazz, page 111.

Late Nights

This happened from 2.12.11 to 2.16.11.

Start - Saturday - 3:48am.

I'm laying in my bed thinking about Valentines Day. The day in which we celebrate love. Love between couples, candy, and the color pink.

My plans for V-day consist of an art class where we'll talk about contrast, tone, and depth of fonts. I'm thinking about all the red sweaters I'll see, all the girls wearing red ribbons in their hair, and all the hand holding.

Tonight, of all the nights, I asked God, "Why am I so lonely? Why am I afraid of commitment?" All valid questions in my mind. Then I keep talking to myself. It first leads to anger, one of those "God is a bully" sort of moments, and then it comes back to me and it becomes, "God is slapping me in the face. I need to wake up." But then I ask myself, "wake up to what?"

That I'm not lonely?
That God wants me single?
God has a different plan?

And then I'm reminded of what I wrote when I applied for a department scholarship. In the section labeled, "please describe your commitment to Christianity as of today."

My answer consisted of me writing about how my relationship with Jesus is analogous to that of a marriage. How I have already said, "yes" as His bridegroom. How God's covenant with the Israelites in the old testament is written in a marriage language and how marriages can sometimes be rocky, but we press on because we don't give up on each other.

We both made promises. I need to wake up.

My relationship is the least of my concerns as of this moment. I invest no time into it.

End - Saturday - 4:09am.

Start - Sunday - 1:55am.

My night consisted of the movie "Finding Nemo" and Mario Kart. I put new sheets on my bed which I hope will help me sleep better tonight. The sheets are twin while the mattress is twin extra long so fitting the sheets were a little difficult but I managed.

Also switched pillows.

I had leftover Chinese food for dinner. I think Chinese is the only leftover food I enjoy.

Ordered new shoes before I crawled into bed.

Eyes feel heavy. I didn't sleep well last night which seems to be becoming a regular pattern. It's not the usual "too-many-thoughts-running-through-my mind-so-I-can't-fall-asleep" but rather it's the "can't-find-a-comfortable position" thing.

Thought less about girls today and more about God. Girls, I'm sorry, but sometimes you're a crutch that keeps me standing. What I need is God who will let me run, and give me speed.

Pausing for thought.

End - Sunday - 2:09am.

Start - Monday - 12:42am.

Went to bed earlier today. Hopefully I will fall asleep quickly.

I have an interview tomorrow, technically today, for becoming an RA. I'm a little nervous. I shaved a couple of minutes ago. I'm starting to hate the feeling a smooth skin on my face.

I like to have a little scruff.

I worked out my upper body today. Didn't go very hard so I'm not that sore. After working out I cleaned the bathroom floor. It hasn't been cleaned for over a month so it was disgusting.

Used a whole roll of paper towels.

Today, technically, is Valentines Day. I have to remember to remind my Baylor friend Alicia of her breaking her wrist. This is the two year anniversary. I know, such a weird thing to remember but I always seem to think of it when Valentines comes up.

Missed Baylor today, not sure why. Had a lot of visual stimuli that triggered thoughts of my old stomping grounds.

End - Monday - 12:54am.

Start - Tuesday - 1:24am.

I've been listening to John Mayer's "Gravity" for the past hour. The Internet went down in my dorm room and I wasn't tired so I didn't know what else to do. I don't know why but the slow tempo gets me tired.

Never could fall asleep last night. I think I did around 3:00am. I had a bunch of songs in my head and for some reason they were mostly rap songs or songs that I would sing in public.

I dressed up in my red plaid shirt for Valentines Day.

I wanted to be festive. Now looking forward to St. Patty's Day.

I don't have my morning class today so I'll get to sleep in a little. Hopefully I fall asleep.

I had an interview yesterday, technically, about becoming an RA. I was asked a lot of questions. They asked me how I have changed or what things are I am changing about yourself or something like that. I told them that I'm learning to overcome fear and then I told them that my theme song of the year is "Bust A Move." Not in the literal randomly dance sort of way but just busting a move to do something with life. That if God approves and you're the only one holding yourself back then you should bust a move and go for it.

The rest of my Valentines was uneventful. Girls wore pink, cafeteria served chocolate things, and I surprisingly did not see a lot of hand holding. I did homework, wore red, and ate normal food.

End - Tuesday - 1:39am.

Start - Wednesday - 1:18am.

Didn't do much today. Unlocked a couple of characters in Mario Kart. Slept better last night, probably because my 8:30 class got cancelled and I got to sleep in. I applied for a summer internship a couple of days ago. It's with a Minneapolis video studio. I've seen a lot of their videos online. They do a lot of weddings. So maybe, if I'm "hired" I'll be going to a lot of weddings this summer.

That sounds kind of exciting.

End - Wednesday - 1:28am.

Song of the Week 2-19-11

I originally had a different song planned but this song came to me instead. I like this one.

Body Parts | Hands

Hands

You're able to interact with the rest of the body, except that small spot on the back that nobody can seem to reach. You can say many things nonverbally. Things like greetings, goodbyes, how you feel, or where you're from. Every hand is unique, with an identity on the finger tips.

Without you, I wouldn't know what to do. I don't know how I would function.

Affection is shown through interlocking fingers with another person. A nonverbal action that shouts from the mountaintops feelings and emotions.

Sometimes you seem fragile though. The skin on the knuckles gets dried out. Your nails need to be cut. You're kind of high-maintenance. But I need you, so I'll keep you, because you're so special

Hands

Song of the Week 2-12-11

A "Thank You" to Josh for pointing this video out to me.

Body Parts | Mouth

Mouth.

Lips, teeth, and tongue. That's what you're constructed out of. You let us breathe, eat, and kiss. You can form smiles and frowns, smirks and grimaces, and even have us puff out our cheeks to make a funny face.

Out of our mouth comes the voice, which holds so much power that I cannot even fathom it. Out can come sweet poetry or destructive vulgarity, something that can make or break relationships.

Remember when I chipped a tooth? That hurt. Remember when I bit the tongue almost all the way through? That shouldn't happen again. So fragile, yet so powerful. You must be used with much control.

Mouth.

This Should Just Say, "I Want Your Money"

I'm going on another Spring Break mission trip to West Virginia. There I will be rebuilding homes and establishing relationships with the locals and churches.

As for every mission trip we have to raise money which is something that I don't really like doing. I mean, it's like saying, "Hey, I would like to go serve Jesus and bring heaven to earth but I can only do that if you send money."

Jesus didn't send out support letters before He started His ministry but sadly, times have changed. I don't think people would be as willing to take in 13 people overnight. Of course, I feel that we are always on a "mission field" and should always bring heaven to earth but these trips are a little different.

In my little dream world, money has no value and everybody does the jobs that make the world go round with joy for free.

Anyways, below is a letter that was pre-typed for me to send out. Things I have removed: my email address, my phone number, the part where it says you can send me a check

Dear Family and Friends:

As you may know, I’m preparing for a mission trip to Appalachia. We’ll be sent out from Bethel University over Spring Break 2011 (the third week of March). Our team has been meeting already and we look forward to this opportunity to partner with God’s people and God’s work in West Virginia. If you’d like to read more information about our ministry there, just click on this link and scroll down until you see my team.

I’m writing you this email(blog) because our team needs your prayer support. We will keep you updated as we prepare (and hopefully while we’re gone), but please begin supporting us in prayer. Just like we can’t do this without our local ministry partners, we truly cannot do this without you. Pray that the power of God would be unleashed as we participate with the Holy Spirit in ministry!

I’m also writing because our team needs your financial support. We are raising financial support as a team. Our team of 13 has a fundraising goal of $9,000. While I will continue to invest in this trip with my own money, we are also trusting God to provide some of the funds through a network of supportive friends and family. Right now, as a team we are grateful to have received 73% of our team goal.

Some of you have given to my team already and for that I’m very thankful. I’m not primarily asking for a second donation. If you have not yet sent financial support, I wanted to provide you a simple and secure way to give online. If you feel prompted to support my team in this way, simply click on the following link then select “Appalachia” from the dropdown menu of teams . (You will also see a button titled “Make a Donation” on the SMP homepage above. Either way, we are asking for donations by February 11, 2010. I appreciate your support of my team and the Bethel University Missions program. All donations are tax-deductible.

Thank you for your support of me through prayer and finances. We are so pleased with how God is developing this trip for his glory. Thanks for sharing in that excitement! Because we serve a faithful God, I look forward to keeping you updated on how I experience his faithfulness through this ministry opportunity!

Sincerely,
Matt Pautsch

Song of the Week 2-5-11

Um. Yeah. No explanation really needed down here.

Body Parts | Nose

Nose.

You come in all shapes and sizes. Everyone of you, different when lined up next to each other. Touching nose to nose can be seen as a sign of endearment or a fight is about to go down. When sickness arrives you provide an escape route for the bad stuff to go out. You provide a place where oxygen can come in, and go out. The air comes in, bringing smells along with it, smells that make us throw up in our mouth or closes our eyes so it can warm our soul.

You turn red when it gets cold.

Abuse comes to you in many forms. People stick their fingers in you, picking out goblets of who knows what. We pull out the very hair that filters the oxygen we breathe in. Some people pierce shiny things in your side, or if they're adventurous right through the middle in between the two holes.

Some people sniff things up there that should not go up there. I'm not sure why. Does it hurt when people do that? Why can't the hairs and goblets filter that out?

Nose.

Song of the Week 1-29-11

In the book "Drops Like Stars" by Rob Bell, which is a book of thoughts on creativity and suffering, it talks about the line "I need to hear some songs that recognize the pain in me." In a short summary, it basically means that whatever you are feeling, whether it be suffering or happiness, you're not alone.

Body Parts | Eyes

Eyes.

The first thing I notice about a woman. If you're allowed to stare into them long enough you can see emotion and logic wrapped up in a poetic art that you wish you could explain but words seem to lose the grasp of it. The black middle, with an infinite depth, surrounded by a multitude of colors that seem to change the more you glance at them, encompassed by a pure white, whiter than paper but still with a descriptive texture. The beauty and perfections abound many times over.

Of course, we can't take all the perfections without the imperfections. The eyes can become deceitful, causing humans to stumble, and innocence to be thrown out. Sometimes I wish for my eyes to be gouged out but then I'm reminded of the beauty of tears, and the things that words can't provide.

Eyes.

Feeling Broken For The Broken

My roommate broke his clavicle right before Christmas Break. The clavicle, also known as the collar bone, takes like a month to heal according to the internet.

After the incident he was in a sling for some time and basically did nothing. He tried going to class, tried walking faster outside, and tried getting out of bed in less than an hour. He, only on one occasion, tried showering.

Not showering is something my roommate has become known for. Usually he showers right before work and that's about it, which isn't enough times a week in my book. So, of course we gave him subtle hints to shower but his laziness overcame him to do something else.

So after the incident showering never occurred and the one time I remember him actually showering took like an hour and a half because he had to do everything slower due to the pain of the clavicle.

I, of course, didn't understand how much work and effort had to be put in just to take a shower with only one arm. I had thoughts in my mind like, "It's just a shower, it's not rocket science" or "How hard is it to do this everyday?"

Becoming understanding is hard to do. So I experimented, just to try to feel what he was feeling. In the middle of my shower I put my arm in a "sling" position and attempted to continue with my shower.

I lasted about five seconds.

After that small amount of time I gave up and was much more tolerable of my roommates' condition.

I felt broken for the broken.

I think we should apply this to other aspects of life.

Sometimes when I think about the homeless I think to myself, "Go get a job, it's not impossible." What I failed to do was put myself in their shoes. I don't know their situation, their addictions, their struggles. I, rather, put them in my shoes, if that makes sense.

I mean, I sometimes imagine what I would do if I was homeless. Fighting to find every meal, shelter over my head, making money. I usually think that the first thing I would do would be to find a job, get my paycheck, rent a place to live and go up from there. I don't think that situation is applicable though. There must be something that I don't realize or feel that makes being homeless so hard. In order to feel for the homeless, do we have to become homeless?

Isn't this what Jesus did?

Maybe Jesus came down as an average human because it was something we could relate too.

Something we know.

Imagine if Jesus came down as a King or Superhero, wouldn't that be intimidating? I can't really relate with that.

I have now returned from Christmas Break and my roommate is mostly healed. The magic of a break. He is no longer in a sling so now I expect showers to occur but who knows, maybe their is some other thing I have to relate too.

Song of the Week 1-22-11

I sometimes secretly wish I could dance like this...

Seclusion

I watched Iron Man 2 yesterday and one part stuck out to me.

When the good guys (SHIELD) wanted Tony Stark to fulfill his destiny of finishing his fathers' work they secluded him from the outside world. They cut off the phone and internet.

Lately, I've been trying to do that. I have slowly tried pulling away from Facebook, which is probably my biggest time-waster. It's amazing the power that an inanimate, unemotional, pixelated website can hold on a person.

I've tried the cold turkey thing before with Facebook; just not going on it at all. I usually only last a week. So this time I did it a little different and the planets must have been aligned or something because things are working out.

My roommate, who doesn't own a laptop, was in need of one during last week because his class went off-campus to Wells Fargo headquarters. So I let him borrow mine. (Josh, my apologies for mentioning that place).

For a week I didn't have a laptop until about five o'clock. This greatly reduces the chances of me going on Facebook. If I needed a computer I would go to the library where I was much more productive in my work.

I am slowly, gradually trying to make myself more secluded. I'm not trying to be anti-social, just trying to be less distracted. This way, I can focus more of my attention at the people around me, these posts I write, and my homework. I think it will make a better story.

I find myself becoming more and more eager to make bigger changes but I urge myself to go slow.

My plan, in the future, is to go without using a cellphone one day a week. The plan has flaws though. Emergencies are bound to happen on the day I actually need a cellphone or if I'm doing a group project they have to contact me somehow. The cellphone plan is currently on hold until I set parameters around what I can and cannot do. Self-control being the hardest thing to accomplish

I also plan on going without Facebook for long stretches, making it less and less of a priority in life.

The Twitter stays. It hasn't consumed me and I don't think it will.

In Iron Man 2, Tony Stark created a new element with his time of seclusion. I don't have that high of aspirations. That sort of thing isn't exactly my forte. I don't know what I plan on doing with the time I will have, in a way, created for myself. Maybe nap more often, read more books, or just spend time with other people.

Song of the Week 1-15-11

Song of the Week 1-8-11

If you don't know my favorite band yet I'll give you a clue. It's this one.

The List | 09 | Saltines

Another one crossed off "The List"

I tried eating six saltines in under a minute over Christmas Break.

I was not successful in doing it under a minute but I did do it in over a minute.

I also witnessed two people do it in under a minute so it is most definitely possible.

Onto the next thing on the list.

Dropping A Class

I am currently in Interim, also known as J-term. To enlighten very few of you, basically you take one class for a month and that is it. You have the same class for a couple of hours every day until boredom comes streaming out of your tear ducts.

I originally was going to take a storytelling class. Storytelling being something that I kind of talk about on here so the title/topic appealed to me. My advisor suggested it because it is not offered that much and he just so happens to teach it. Aiming to not disappoint him or rejecting his suggestion I signed up to take it.

I was one of the eight people that signed up for it. Not a big deal, just slightly odd.

Then I received an email from him during Christmas Break. He gave us a reading assignment and told us about the three movies that we would be storyboarding, directing, producing, and editing. Three movies in a month is a little overkill in my opinion. The last movie I made drained me of my creative juices. Too many hours spent editing drains you and your ability to think of other stories to make.

So I had my excuses. Early class, lots of movies, lack of modern equipment, lots of work, many other options that can fulfill the degree requirement. I searched for another class to take, found one, debated in my mind for awhile if this is really what I want to do, dropped the storytelling class, and signed up for the other class. The other class being a film class where we sit and watch movies then talk about it.

Of course, the first day classes start I see my advisor, with his new goatee(classy), in the lunch room. He comes up to me, fake slams his tray on the table and sits down to talk to me. He asks, "Where were you this morning?" I tell him I dropped the class and he says he knows. I tell him my reasons, noted above, and he understands but he had heard of my movies from earlier and how excited he was to see what I could come up with. He also noted that if I want to learn the stuff in the class later in life it would be lots of money.

Guilt trips are so powerful.

So now I'm filled with regret and tell him sorry. He realizes that the email was probably not a good idea and I sort of agree. I tell him I would like to drop in sometime and just sit in. He tells me about some people he is bringing in that he thinks I would like. I agree to join in for class then.

As I write this I get even more filled with regret. If I was an impulsive person I would have dropped the class, added it back, dropped it again, and added it again. I could change back to that class but I still feel as if my creativity needs a break, at least from the academic setting.

I hate "disappointing" people and I am sure that if I tell that to my advisor he will disagree that I am disappointing him. It's his job to push people to learn things right? To push them toward their potential? Am I just holding myself back? Did I choose the healthy thing to do or the lazy? Am I being wise or fearful?

Because isn't, "wisdom a convenient mask for fear?"