In the past few weeks I haven't been myself and I believe that it came out in my recent posts. I believe that I over-exaggerated some of my emotions during those posts.
To tell you that I wasn't feeling down in the dumps would be a lie. In the past few weeks I have been re-evaluating certain aspects of my life. I won't say I was depressed because I feel like the word "depressed" has deeper meaning. To say I was depressed would be an over-emphatic, hyperbolic, over-exaggerated choice of word.
During this time my two main points of evaluation were life, specifically my life and the way in which I wish to live, and girls, which seems stupid and immature but the main focus of this is relationships with girls, or woman, whichever you prefer. And by relationships with girls I mean the dating kind. Just so we're clear.
The center focus of this evaluating was my relationship with God. I have, as of lately, described my relationship with God as analogous to a marriage. With this in my mind, I came to the conclusion that my relationship with God was a failing marriage.
God, to me, became boring, which is something I believe a lot of people struggle with. As God got boring, so did my life. Nothing seemed to hold my attention. I was just wasting time watching youtube, playing minesweeper, or playing video games. I felt like a loser, like my life had no purpose or destination.
I kept it to myself, which in hindsight, was a bad choice. It wasn't until I opened up to a friend that things started getting better.
On that note, I've started taking charge in life and relationships.
In regards to relationships my main priority is now my relationship with God. This kicks the whole female gender out of there. I, for some reason, longed to have a girlfriend but since I have a fear of commitment this never happened. So my longing for a girlfriend and issues with commitment battled for some time going nowhere. So I am trying to no longer worry or even attempt to get a girlfriend. I have other things to deal with first like confidence, openness, and figuring out myself.
In regards to God becoming boring I have changed my living habits. The minesweeper quick launch icon on my desktop is now gone. I have already caught myself naturally looking for it when homework gets tedious. Instead of staying in my dorm room doing nothing I attempt to spend as much time as I can in the academic buildings. I like to walk around. I usually run into somebody I know that is willing to have a conversation with me. Friendships are much more fulfilling and purposeful than the internet.
I am attempting to go back into my old habit of reading non-academic books in my free time. Currently, I am re-reading Blue Like Jazz. I guess you could say I am attempting to do things that have a purpose or has significant value in life. Things like video games, youtube, and ipod card games are just so meaningless and unproductive. As my relationships and communication with other people increase so does my relationship with God.
I know this post in itself is a start.
"Dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something is the hard thing. Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recognition. We live for what we believe."
Blue Like Jazz, page 111.
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