Late Nights

This happened from 2.12.11 to 2.16.11.

Start - Saturday - 3:48am.

I'm laying in my bed thinking about Valentines Day. The day in which we celebrate love. Love between couples, candy, and the color pink.

My plans for V-day consist of an art class where we'll talk about contrast, tone, and depth of fonts. I'm thinking about all the red sweaters I'll see, all the girls wearing red ribbons in their hair, and all the hand holding.

Tonight, of all the nights, I asked God, "Why am I so lonely? Why am I afraid of commitment?" All valid questions in my mind. Then I keep talking to myself. It first leads to anger, one of those "God is a bully" sort of moments, and then it comes back to me and it becomes, "God is slapping me in the face. I need to wake up." But then I ask myself, "wake up to what?"

That I'm not lonely?
That God wants me single?
God has a different plan?

And then I'm reminded of what I wrote when I applied for a department scholarship. In the section labeled, "please describe your commitment to Christianity as of today."

My answer consisted of me writing about how my relationship with Jesus is analogous to that of a marriage. How I have already said, "yes" as His bridegroom. How God's covenant with the Israelites in the old testament is written in a marriage language and how marriages can sometimes be rocky, but we press on because we don't give up on each other.

We both made promises. I need to wake up.

My relationship is the least of my concerns as of this moment. I invest no time into it.

End - Saturday - 4:09am.

Start - Sunday - 1:55am.

My night consisted of the movie "Finding Nemo" and Mario Kart. I put new sheets on my bed which I hope will help me sleep better tonight. The sheets are twin while the mattress is twin extra long so fitting the sheets were a little difficult but I managed.

Also switched pillows.

I had leftover Chinese food for dinner. I think Chinese is the only leftover food I enjoy.

Ordered new shoes before I crawled into bed.

Eyes feel heavy. I didn't sleep well last night which seems to be becoming a regular pattern. It's not the usual "too-many-thoughts-running-through-my mind-so-I-can't-fall-asleep" but rather it's the "can't-find-a-comfortable position" thing.

Thought less about girls today and more about God. Girls, I'm sorry, but sometimes you're a crutch that keeps me standing. What I need is God who will let me run, and give me speed.

Pausing for thought.

End - Sunday - 2:09am.

Start - Monday - 12:42am.

Went to bed earlier today. Hopefully I will fall asleep quickly.

I have an interview tomorrow, technically today, for becoming an RA. I'm a little nervous. I shaved a couple of minutes ago. I'm starting to hate the feeling a smooth skin on my face.

I like to have a little scruff.

I worked out my upper body today. Didn't go very hard so I'm not that sore. After working out I cleaned the bathroom floor. It hasn't been cleaned for over a month so it was disgusting.

Used a whole roll of paper towels.

Today, technically, is Valentines Day. I have to remember to remind my Baylor friend Alicia of her breaking her wrist. This is the two year anniversary. I know, such a weird thing to remember but I always seem to think of it when Valentines comes up.

Missed Baylor today, not sure why. Had a lot of visual stimuli that triggered thoughts of my old stomping grounds.

End - Monday - 12:54am.

Start - Tuesday - 1:24am.

I've been listening to John Mayer's "Gravity" for the past hour. The Internet went down in my dorm room and I wasn't tired so I didn't know what else to do. I don't know why but the slow tempo gets me tired.

Never could fall asleep last night. I think I did around 3:00am. I had a bunch of songs in my head and for some reason they were mostly rap songs or songs that I would sing in public.

I dressed up in my red plaid shirt for Valentines Day.

I wanted to be festive. Now looking forward to St. Patty's Day.

I don't have my morning class today so I'll get to sleep in a little. Hopefully I fall asleep.

I had an interview yesterday, technically, about becoming an RA. I was asked a lot of questions. They asked me how I have changed or what things are I am changing about yourself or something like that. I told them that I'm learning to overcome fear and then I told them that my theme song of the year is "Bust A Move." Not in the literal randomly dance sort of way but just busting a move to do something with life. That if God approves and you're the only one holding yourself back then you should bust a move and go for it.

The rest of my Valentines was uneventful. Girls wore pink, cafeteria served chocolate things, and I surprisingly did not see a lot of hand holding. I did homework, wore red, and ate normal food.

End - Tuesday - 1:39am.

Start - Wednesday - 1:18am.

Didn't do much today. Unlocked a couple of characters in Mario Kart. Slept better last night, probably because my 8:30 class got cancelled and I got to sleep in. I applied for a summer internship a couple of days ago. It's with a Minneapolis video studio. I've seen a lot of their videos online. They do a lot of weddings. So maybe, if I'm "hired" I'll be going to a lot of weddings this summer.

That sounds kind of exciting.

End - Wednesday - 1:28am.