Growing Up

I remember in third grade thinking that fourth grade would be the year. Just the year, the year that I was older, more mature, ready to take on the world, and get a girlfriend who would be with me forever. It would be the year I would be more of an adult, ready for all responsibilities, and grab a drink with the boys after a hard days work.

I remembering thinking the same in fourth and fifth grade.

Then sixth grade came and you were at the top of the elementary chain. It was so much power, so much greatness. You finally knew what it was like to be worshiped by the younger kids.

Then seventh grade comes and I was back at the bottom again and I knew then that it wouldn't be that year again for five more years.

I remember always wanting to be eighteen years old so I could call those 1-800 numbers I saw on television all the time.

Then eighteen came and it wasn't all that special.

The same with age twenty-one.

Twenty-one feels like sixteen sometimes. Still immature, not sure what in the world I am doing, and feeling misunderstood. It's like adult puberty.

I say all this because at a very young age all I wanted to do was be a grown-up with my dream job and my dream woman. I just could not wait to get older, be taller, and have a deeper voice.

And now that time is here. I am now an adult, given adult responsibilities, and making adult decisions.

But now I don't want to be an adult. I want to be a kid again, where food shows up in front of me, laundry does itself, and I never have to buy anything.

Now I get scared when people treat me as an adult because I'm not ready. It is apparent when I'm working and people take my words and ideas seriously.

People communicate differently to me now. Things have changed and I guess I'm just a little slow in accepting it. Another thing about the future that scares me.

It's about 2:30am now when I am writing this. I've been a night owl for as long I remember but these late nights are getting bad.

I've had trouble falling asleep lately. I'm not sure why. I recently "upgraded" to a queen size bed and since then sleeping has been hard. So tonight I am going back to my kids bed because I feel like I'll sleep better on it. We'll see.