Ready To Die

My high school German teacher died last week. After overcoming cancer earlier in her life it came back and eventually took her life.

It never really occurred to me what an influence she was on my life. I definitely took it for granted. She was joy, and it was her gift to the world. Always happy, always smiling. I tear up thinking of her smiling. Tears of joy.

But there are times where I
just
can't
handle it.

I lose my focus at what I am doing, think of her, and then my eyes tear up.  I then realize what is going on, and I come back trying to avoid people looking at me. All because I don't want the attention, because I don't know how to explain it.

The thing that gets me every time was that she was ready to die, just waiting to breathe her final breath. She was talking about going to see God, to go home, to dance in heaven.

But I just can't handle it. I mean, I almost have this urge to shout, "STAY ALIVE, KEEP BREATHING, THIS IS HOME" but there is no response, just a look of peace, a look saying that, someday, you'll know this feeling.

And maybe someday I will know that feeling.
But right now I just can't wrap my mind around it.
She was ready to die though.
In quietness and confidence was her strength.