Doubt

Dear Reader,

I wrote the following about 3 months ago at a time when confidence and support seemed to be absent. Doubt felt all around me. I found out that people are searching for something to fill their hole of wants and desires. The sad thing is these people have already found what they're searching for, they just don't want to use it. Instead of filling their hole with what they already have they find other things to try to fill it. Spoiler alert, it doesn't work. You know what you have, use it. The reason I didn't post this right away was because I felt it was to angry and that I myself might have been to judgmental. So to clear up any confusion or hateful thoughts toward me please remember that I love you and that this is done out of love.

In Love,
mat

I have doubts. Too many to count. School, life, future, money, etc...

One of my biggest doubts is myself. I have no faith in myself. No self-confidence or self-esteem. I don't know where I am going or what the future holds for me. I don't know what to do. Eventually, my mind crumbles and drags everything else down with it. I sit down in my chair, exhausted and stressed out. I put my head on my desk or in my hands trying to support the ever growing weight. I try to get some tears to come out just so maybe I'll feel better, but they don't come.

I am a stone. Cold, solid, lonely, and having nobody but me.

I need someone to embrace me, comfort me, absorb me, and give me a reassurance that they'll never let go.

But it's too late. I have nobody like that. I am the lone wolf with no clan. My knees are weak, arms are heavy. My heart is a rock and I don't believe in anyone or anything. I lack motivation. Doubt is like a cancer. 

I AM DOUBTING.

I constantly find myself asking what the point of this place is or if this is really where I should be. This isn't what I expected. Their priorities are out of line. Their mission is not being followed. They don't want to be unique but they want to be just like the other guys. I'll give you a book and show you that that doesn't work! A place full of dirty people putting clean clothes over them just so they look clean? I'm not buying into that! Why don't you just clean yourself first? 

All the people here are fake, wearing a mask like a costume party. They all act like there are perfect in the spotlight but secretly they are all dirty fools, acting their way up the ladder. They take off their mask to reveal who they really are, but nobody sees it. They don't want to struggle through the narrow path. They pull out their masks at their pleasure just for their own self-worth. Where is the honesty in that? I do not think I know any of you!

You sing to the people around you, not to the One who deserves it! You stuck up souls! Your heart should sing, not your tongue! I cry when I see what it has become. I'm required to see this happen? Is this some trick? Some torture chamber?

I am sick of your show! Your act! Your play! I'm sick of you constantly saying one thing and then turning around and stabbing Him in the back, over and over again!

I AM SICK OF THE SHOW!

Your show is never worth seeing. People may want to see it but it will never work out. Why not just be yourself? Wouldn't that bring consistency?

Your show, your mask, are a slap in the face. 

I am guilty of this show and this mask too.
I need to be stripped clean.
We need to be stripped clean.

WE NEED AN INTERVENTION, A REVIVAL, A REVOLUTION!

We need to tear ourselves back to the foundations. NO! We need to rid ourselves of the foundation, because it is weak and turmoiled, like a building built in the sand. We need to relocate and find another place to set our life, our goals, our priorities!

WE NEED A ROCK!

We will rebuild on a rock and rebuild our foundation. We won't wear masks. We will remove our tongue and heart and replace them with our genuine ones. Together, we will rebuild ourselves, living and loving, taking out the bad and replacing it with good. Through storms and droughts we will survive. 

WE WILL BECOME GENUINE!

Invite everyone to come along. Together we will dance, live, and love. Tell them to come as they are, but to prepare for a change. We will tear down your walls, your beliefs, your very being! Together, we will change.

There will be doubts, for you cannot rid doubt in life. We will fight and battle with doubt. We will be knocked down many times, wanting to quit, from taking this hit. Together, though, we shall overcome it.

I will know and trust in the foundation that cannot fall...

Lost

I had another idea for today's blog but with a sudden change of heart and some writers block. I have decided to share something else not of my own. This is a song written and recorded by my good buddy. I like the words and it is a pretty good tune too. As dear Copeland says: "Sing with your head up with your eyes closed;
not because you love the song,because you love to sing."
__________________________________________________

Lost
Listen, Princess, as I tell a story; a story that you probably know quite well.

About a silver knight who searched for glory because in love with your own self he fell.

This knight was confident and he was noble - these were the traits that caught your royal eye.
He said, "My lady, I will give you all I'm able. I give up all I have if you'll be mine."

He was lost. He would fight for you despite the cost. He would prove himself to you because of love.

Our knight knew that he couldn't get you easy; a princess is a bride that must be won.

He knew that he must go and slay a dragon if you could ever his darling become.

He rode through meadows and through jagged mountains until he came upon to dragon's cave.

He was terrified but still drew closer, trusting that his love would keep him safe.

He was lost.

He would fight for you despite the cost.

He would prove himself to you because of love.

The months passed by with no sign of our hero; the people soon forgot that he was gone.

And you, my lady, gave your love to others.

There's nothing left of that knight but this song.

He was lost, his body left up somewhere in the rocks.

He would never be with you.

He lost his love because of love.

Listen to the song here

Am I Invisible?

The title from this blog comes from a movie I watched over the weekend. An agent, having a bad day asks this question after someone bumps into him and then another person rolls something over his foot. That was what put an end to the crappy day this character had. When he said the line I first interpreted it as funny, but then after some time I found it as a question of desperation.

Am I invisible? Does anyone see me or my struggle? Don't you see my tears?

His failures and troubles made his heart go deeper in sorrow as his tears shouted louder and louder. Desperation came out through this line as he softly spoke it to himself. It seemed to be one of those days for him where a hug just wouldn't do it for him. To be honest, I might be over exaggerating this quote but I think a lot of quotes are out there like this. There like skipping a small rock across the water, it covers a lot of areas.

Everyone likes to get noticed everything now and then, everyone likes a little acknowledgment here and there. People involved in a movie get there name in the ending credits. I think some people crave the spotlight too much. I find that annoying and selfish. Others are humble about it, even when nobody notices there accomplishments.

The story does end happily ever after. His failures soon turn and he becomes a hero. He gets his acknowledgments from a surprised crowd and his invisibility is gone.

So I would say the lesson learned would be to notice the invisible people because watch out, they'll surprise you. I would like to surprise myself sometimes. I want to be bold, surprising, and exciting. Surprise yourself with some of the stuff you do and take some risks.

Good luck.