Dear Diary

Why am I so selfish? I have so much to give, so much potential. So many little things here and there that I blind myself too. I look away. I turn away. I sit on my hands. A small act could change it. Something that is just a few extra steps and a little extra commitment. Why wouldn't I do something so radical? I've got this hole in my heart that's been cut out of stone. Could you fill this hole? I can't do it alone.

Didn't some revolutionary act save me? Didn't someone do a small act to change me? Didn't Someone die for me? What do I do? I feel as if I can get nowhere. One step back, one step forward. I dream up images in my head of what I will do and how I can change people but when that time comes all I do is nothing. I can't even do a small revolutionary radical act. Baby steps. Baby steps. My actions all come back to me and I start all over. I start back on my knees, begging you, "Please! Please!"

How do you become selfless? Is it some never-ending quest? I don't care if it is infinitely long but I will strive for it. I will follow you into the dark and You'll be my guardian angel. You found me when I didn't know You. You never say never. Then one day, I came to You and I realized that You're all I need. I once was lost, but now I'm found. So far away, but now I'm home.

Hope

I watched Apollo 13 this weekend. It is a great movie. I have seen it many times before so i knew what was going to happen. I knew that the astronauts were going to make it. I knew that they were going to land safe and live. If only life could be like a movie you have seen before.

When all hope seemed lost. Most people thought that the astronauts wouldn't make it. They had every reason to doubt. They thought that the batteries wouldn't last, the heat shield was cracked, and the parachutes wouldn't launch. The striking part was when the doubters were talking about all of this they said, "this is NASA's darkest time." The hopeful man though, my hero, who still believed and had hope said, "with all do respect gentleman, I think this will be our finest hour."

That shut them up.

The truth is that amazing happens all the time. Some people never realize this. I never realize this. Waking up every day is amazing. Walking is amazing. Sunshine is amazing. It's the little things every day that I take for granted. I am out there looking for too much. I am looking for something so amazing that even I can't believe it.

Hopefully, when times get hard and we want to give up we will remember Apollo 13, the "successful failure." That it is the hopeful one who prevails and it is not our darkest time, but will be our finest hour.

What I Learn From Scrubs

I like the show Scrubs. I watch it online when I get the chance. I like it because it is a brilliant and masterfully shown. I learned a lesson from one episode about never being too old to learn what a child can learn. I forget sometimes the basic things that I learned as a child. To always play nice, to try my hardest, and that it's alright to cry. Because as I grow up I am not always nice, I am kind of a meanie. I don't try my hardest all the time, because I'm lazy. I am always afraid to cry, because showing my feelings isn't manly. It's a show like Scrubs that gets me to think. It teaches me lessons that I would never come up with myself. It always makes the simplest of things so apparent, yet I never realize them. My professors and teachers only teach me what they're supposed too. They never teach life. I like having a constant reminder of the simple things that I need to study every day. I like going back to Sesame Street.
Watch it here