The Future

I fear the future. Whether it is tomorrow, the next month, the next three years, or when I'm thirty. When I think about any of them it kind of stresses me out.

Whenever I get stressed out about the future I relate and reminisce about the past. I remember the "glory days" of chalking driveways and laughing uncontrollably with friends. I remember past crushes and past events. There are memories I wish I could take back or replay and then there are the memories I wish I could delete or retape.

A sidewalk at Baylor had a verse that said something about laying your troubles on the Lord but I forgot the reference. I related to it alot that year.

I think every relationship you have has a window of opportunity to where you can expand your friendship into something deeper and meaningful or maybe even blossom into love. I mean, I am no expert on relationships but I would like to say I have had my opportunities for better friendships or possibly girlfriends but the past is already written.

It's just something to think about. What would have happened if this choice was made or you did this instead of that?

Maybe what you thought was a window of opportunity actually wasn't and it has still yet to come. Maybe there was never a window and you have already reached a full potential.

Maybe...

I think I heard somewhere that if you think about the past too much you will never do anything with your future.

I think I have been thinking so much about the past lately because I am so scared of the future. What struggles lay ahead? What twist and turns the road will take? When will the ups and downs of the roller coaster make you sick? The future kind of scares me. It's something that I have the power to control but it is so unimaginable and boundless that it seems chaotic.

Now I realize that the future isn't mine to control or to plan, but to put it into the hands of someone with the knowledge and mind that is able to define, coordinate, and control the future. Someone that stands outside of time and space. Someone that doesn't plan just one path for me to take but knows every path that I can take with final destinations already in hand. Like a choose-your-own-adventure storybook.

The future seems less scary that way...

Goodnight Moon

My friend has to look at the moon for her astrology class. She has to look to the south at night and document how the moon looks.

Tonight the moon looked magnificent. So I texted the word "moon" to her.

She replied back, "where?"

I texted back, "in the sky."

Where I was I could see this sharp contrast between the moon to the south and clouds to the west. The moon was gorgeous. Half of it shining brightly through a thin white cloud made it seem for a minute that I was in the Twilight movie even though I didn't fear vampires taking me.

I wish it could be my desktop background.

So there I was driving west towards the darkness with the moon to my left shining into the dash of the car. The artist Mat Kearney playing through the stereo put it over the top. He has a line in the song "Lifeline" that I like.

"The world is too big to never ask why
The answers don't fall straight out of the sky
I'm fighting to live and feel alive
But I can't feel a thing without you by my side
Send me out a lifeline"

The moon is far away.

Life seems far away sometimes. You feel disconnected, alone, and distant.

Maybe we expect all our answers to come shooting out of the sky instead of looking right by our side. Maybe we're all blind to the thought that instead of something that is distance and imaginative what we're looking for is close and real. I can't feel a thing when I don't feel real, connected, or close. Everything seems grey, pointless, and lifeless. I feel as if there is no beauty of this world. Then that lifeline hits me and I take it. I feel saved by grace and this grey world suddenly has color, meaning, and feeling.

As I drove deeper the clouds got heavier and the light almost vanished. It felt like I was driving at midnight. The car lights seemed brighter than usual and the surrounding area seemed less detailed.

I think clouds are emotional.

If they're white and puffy they just soaked up some sun rays like little cotton balls. Low and dark means they're it's been a long day and I don't even think sunlight can brighten my day. If it rains, it's sad and if there is lighting, it's angry and abusive. Fog seems to me like it doesn't know what the future holds. We never describe our emotions with clouds.

"How are you doing?"

"Eh, partly cloudy. Might be fog tomorrow."

As I drove deeper into the clouds the moon eventually disappeared and as I unpacked my car all I could see what clouds and all I could feel was a cold wind against me. I wish the moon would come back to fight off the clouds.

I guess even mother nature has to sleep.

Goodnight Moon.

Cars

The window at my dorm overlooks 35W so I get to see cars going left and right all day long. At night it is an added presence as white lights point one way while red point another.

Cars always seem to be moving when we use them. Nobody sits in their car just to enjoy a car. My friend would call cars big tools.

There is a deck in my dorm. It's great because you can sit out on it and do two things: spy on your neighbors or listen to the cars go by. It's wonderfully fantastic. I haven't done either because there is a wasp currently trapped between the screen door and the glass door and I am too scared to go out there for fear of a wasp sting.

I respect wasps.

Car noises are never considered beautiful. A cars noise can be pretty. A engine revving through the road hugging turns and pulsating like a heart. A car is a pleasant monster wanting to be released but if another monster joins in they scream and cry towards each other and then it is not such a pleasant monster. I respect monsters.

We all have experiences in cars, right?

I have had experiences in cars.

I was scared once. I felt a little less of a man once. I cried once. I sang The Classic Crime's "Far From Home" all alone. I sang it with friends too. I sang so loud that I heard my own voice crack and still kept on singing. I smiled. I sped. I flicked my turn signal really fast to make the car look cool. My best experience was when a girl on a bike waved at me and I waved back. I felt loved. I have sat in silence with friends just listening.

I always buckled up though, except that time my friends blindfolded me and threw me in the trunk. That was fun.

I have awesome friends.

I imagine the cars on 35W are always going somewhere. This just a part of the drive, a part of the road, a part of the life.

If the road of life is like how the cars on 35W drive then I want to slow down. I want to stop the car and experience all those memories, write them down, and then get back in the car and find another.

The cars going left and the cars going right always seem to intersect at one point in the road. They look like they are going to hit at one point but they always miss because there is a median between the roads.

I wonder if people ever wonder what they missed out on? I do, because I guess what I missed was just on the other side of the median and at that moment that we intersected we went our other ways.

I hope it comes back...