Defining Moments

My friend and I went to a park tonight that overlooked St. Paul. Sitting under a tree on a bench seeing the city was spectacular on this clear night. In the distance we could see a long line of clouds with lightning going off every few seconds. Words cannot describe the beauty and magnitude of what I was seeing with my eyes. Time stood still and we watched all the lightning clouds pass by while pointing out a face we saw in the clouds and talking about taking risks, dancing, and how lucky we are. All I could do was stare at these clouds thinking about everything I've done so far in life and how the future can be whatever I make it.

It's a shame I didn't have my camera...

I realized that there are defining moments in my life; most of which I write about in these blogs. It's moments like watching lightning clouds that inspire and influence me. They define or separate themselves from the normal circle of life. No longer is it wake up, go to work, workout, eat, sleep, and repeat but it is something totally different. This defining moments that puts a pause button on life and lets you breathe different air, smell different smells, and bask in the glory of something new and holy. It is almost like getting high on life, but without the drugs. It is moments like tonight's that define who I become later, moments that you can't forget, moments that take your breath away.

I told my friend that sitting there on the bench was probably one of my top ten moments. I realized then and there how lucky I am. Somehow, someway I ended up sitting on a hard bench at a park I have never been to watching one of the greatest sights I couldn't possibly imagine. Thoughts poured into my head about how I would define this moment, and how I would write about what changed in me. I don't think words can describe what happened, it was an experience.

I imagine it as one of those moments that painters paint, that musicians write songs about, that authors write books about, that leaders draw inspiration from, and that people just watch and not say a word so as not to interrupt the beauty.

"Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away" -Will Smith in Hitch

Yes, I quoted something from the movie Hitch and I feel pretty weird about it...

This Too Shall Be Made Right

You know when all hope seems lost? The feeling that the whole world seems to just never want to change? When you feel as if you are backup up against a wall and hundred people are coming at you?

I've had this feeling in me for some time when my patience becomes low and I wish magically it would all become better. This song reminded me that in the end everything will be made right. That God will come down and change everything. There is a time for everything under the sun. A time for good and a time for bad. In the end though, it shall too be made right. Change will come, it will come through God, and He shall make it right. I don't know how it will be done but when it does come I can't wait.

I saw a bunch of people with picket signs awhile back. There were marching around in a tight circle on the side of the road. The only part of the sign I could read was the word "unfair" written on the sign. I think the rest was about labor and work hours but I am not so sure. They marched around for a couple hours I think and their signs were lower the second time I passed them rather than the first.

I do know this: That God is just, and God is love.

Letting Go

I've been struggling lately with letting go of things. I have heard many quotes from songs and such that say something like, "If you love something give it away." It usually adds onto that with, "If it loves you it will come back." Things like this always seem to make me try to make sense of it, but I always come out of it utterly confused. I ask myself if I love something why would I give it away?

You could say that I'm not struggling with loving something but rather loving someone. Times come and go where I feel abandoned and hopeless with them but I am still completely and utterly awestruck in love with them. I think about it consistently and always come to the point where I have to let them go and see if they come back.

So no more pursuing, chasing, or consistently depending upon them. I feel that when I do this I always set myself up for pure disappointment.

I mean, maybe they just don't love me back or in the same fashion that I do? Maybe letting go would be the best for both of us? Maybe the likeness we have for each other will never amount to anything more than what I wish for it to become? Maybe it's my fault? Can't they just send me out a lifeline?

I am in this constant battle of hanging on and not giving up to disappointment, a broken heart, and letting go completely. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough because, to me, letting go seems to be the easy way out and just giving up and settling for second rate. I don't want to be like that. If I do let go, I would at least like to say that I put all my cards on the table.

When I abandon all my dreams of being with them is when I feel at my weakest. I'm mixed with emotions flowing through my heart and mind. I feel hopeless inside, almost as if I am destined to be alone all my life jut to prove that they were the only true person that was perfect for me.

I imagine a desk with a single lamp, a pen, and blank pieces of paper to write everything I can in order to share my thoughts and feelings. Everything I would write would become dedicated to them and every writing would use symbols and signs directed toward them signifying I can't let them go.

Sometimes it feels very hopeful like a burden lifted off my shoulders. For brief moments I feel empowered and encouraged to move on and that actually letting go can be freeing for me to explore all my abilities and ambitions. The downside is that it is lonely and depressing. Empty desk, blank paper, dark spaces are things I see in this hopelessness.

So I become confused at what to do. Letting go leads to loneliness while hanging on leads to disappointed wishes. The good thing is that love never leaves.

"I don't want to lose you all over again. So here's my heart, I'll give it over and over again..."
-Mat Kearney