Longing for Revelry

A little update on myself for you, the readers, because I feel it is necessary. I hope to keep this short, but there are no promises.

In the past few weeks I haven't been myself and I believe that it came out in my recent posts. I believe that I over-exaggerated some of my emotions during those posts.

To tell you that I wasn't feeling down in the dumps would be a lie. In the past few weeks I have been re-evaluating certain aspects of my life. I won't say I was depressed because I feel like the word "depressed" has deeper meaning. To say I was depressed would be an over-emphatic, hyperbolic, over-exaggerated choice of word.

During this time my two main points of evaluation were life, specifically my life and the way in which I wish to live, and girls, which seems stupid and immature but the main focus of this is relationships with girls, or woman, whichever you prefer. And by relationships with girls I mean the dating kind. Just so we're clear.

The center focus of this evaluating was my relationship with God. I have, as of lately, described my relationship with God as analogous to a marriage. With this in my mind, I came to the conclusion that my relationship with God was a failing marriage.

God, to me, became boring, which is something I believe a lot of people struggle with. As God got boring, so did my life. Nothing seemed to hold my attention. I was just wasting time watching youtube, playing minesweeper, or playing video games. I felt like a loser, like my life had no purpose or destination.

I kept it to myself, which in hindsight, was a bad choice. It wasn't until I opened up to a friend that things started getting better.

On that note, I've started taking charge in life and relationships.

In regards to relationships my main priority is now my relationship with God. This kicks the whole female gender out of there. I, for some reason, longed to have a girlfriend but since I have a fear of commitment this never happened. So my longing for a girlfriend and issues with commitment battled for some time going nowhere. So I am trying to no longer worry or even attempt to get a girlfriend. I have other things to deal with first like confidence, openness, and figuring out myself.

In regards to God becoming boring I have changed my living habits. The minesweeper quick launch icon on my desktop is now gone. I have already caught myself naturally looking for it when homework gets tedious. Instead of staying in my dorm room doing nothing I attempt to spend as much time as I can in the academic buildings. I like to walk around. I usually run into somebody I know that is willing to have a conversation with me. Friendships are much more fulfilling and purposeful than the internet.

I am attempting to go back into my old habit of reading non-academic books in my free time. Currently, I am re-reading Blue Like Jazz. I guess you could say I am attempting to do things that have a purpose or has significant value in life. Things like video games, youtube, and ipod card games are just so meaningless and unproductive. As my relationships and communication with other people increase so does my relationship with God.

I know this post in itself is a start.

"Dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something is the hard thing. Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recognition. We live for what we believe."

Blue Like Jazz, page 111.

Late Nights

This happened from 2.12.11 to 2.16.11.

Start - Saturday - 3:48am.

I'm laying in my bed thinking about Valentines Day. The day in which we celebrate love. Love between couples, candy, and the color pink.

My plans for V-day consist of an art class where we'll talk about contrast, tone, and depth of fonts. I'm thinking about all the red sweaters I'll see, all the girls wearing red ribbons in their hair, and all the hand holding.

Tonight, of all the nights, I asked God, "Why am I so lonely? Why am I afraid of commitment?" All valid questions in my mind. Then I keep talking to myself. It first leads to anger, one of those "God is a bully" sort of moments, and then it comes back to me and it becomes, "God is slapping me in the face. I need to wake up." But then I ask myself, "wake up to what?"

That I'm not lonely?
That God wants me single?
God has a different plan?

And then I'm reminded of what I wrote when I applied for a department scholarship. In the section labeled, "please describe your commitment to Christianity as of today."

My answer consisted of me writing about how my relationship with Jesus is analogous to that of a marriage. How I have already said, "yes" as His bridegroom. How God's covenant with the Israelites in the old testament is written in a marriage language and how marriages can sometimes be rocky, but we press on because we don't give up on each other.

We both made promises. I need to wake up.

My relationship is the least of my concerns as of this moment. I invest no time into it.

End - Saturday - 4:09am.

Start - Sunday - 1:55am.

My night consisted of the movie "Finding Nemo" and Mario Kart. I put new sheets on my bed which I hope will help me sleep better tonight. The sheets are twin while the mattress is twin extra long so fitting the sheets were a little difficult but I managed.

Also switched pillows.

I had leftover Chinese food for dinner. I think Chinese is the only leftover food I enjoy.

Ordered new shoes before I crawled into bed.

Eyes feel heavy. I didn't sleep well last night which seems to be becoming a regular pattern. It's not the usual "too-many-thoughts-running-through-my mind-so-I-can't-fall-asleep" but rather it's the "can't-find-a-comfortable position" thing.

Thought less about girls today and more about God. Girls, I'm sorry, but sometimes you're a crutch that keeps me standing. What I need is God who will let me run, and give me speed.

Pausing for thought.

End - Sunday - 2:09am.

Start - Monday - 12:42am.

Went to bed earlier today. Hopefully I will fall asleep quickly.

I have an interview tomorrow, technically today, for becoming an RA. I'm a little nervous. I shaved a couple of minutes ago. I'm starting to hate the feeling a smooth skin on my face.

I like to have a little scruff.

I worked out my upper body today. Didn't go very hard so I'm not that sore. After working out I cleaned the bathroom floor. It hasn't been cleaned for over a month so it was disgusting.

Used a whole roll of paper towels.

Today, technically, is Valentines Day. I have to remember to remind my Baylor friend Alicia of her breaking her wrist. This is the two year anniversary. I know, such a weird thing to remember but I always seem to think of it when Valentines comes up.

Missed Baylor today, not sure why. Had a lot of visual stimuli that triggered thoughts of my old stomping grounds.

End - Monday - 12:54am.

Start - Tuesday - 1:24am.

I've been listening to John Mayer's "Gravity" for the past hour. The Internet went down in my dorm room and I wasn't tired so I didn't know what else to do. I don't know why but the slow tempo gets me tired.

Never could fall asleep last night. I think I did around 3:00am. I had a bunch of songs in my head and for some reason they were mostly rap songs or songs that I would sing in public.

I dressed up in my red plaid shirt for Valentines Day.

I wanted to be festive. Now looking forward to St. Patty's Day.

I don't have my morning class today so I'll get to sleep in a little. Hopefully I fall asleep.

I had an interview yesterday, technically, about becoming an RA. I was asked a lot of questions. They asked me how I have changed or what things are I am changing about yourself or something like that. I told them that I'm learning to overcome fear and then I told them that my theme song of the year is "Bust A Move." Not in the literal randomly dance sort of way but just busting a move to do something with life. That if God approves and you're the only one holding yourself back then you should bust a move and go for it.

The rest of my Valentines was uneventful. Girls wore pink, cafeteria served chocolate things, and I surprisingly did not see a lot of hand holding. I did homework, wore red, and ate normal food.

End - Tuesday - 1:39am.

Start - Wednesday - 1:18am.

Didn't do much today. Unlocked a couple of characters in Mario Kart. Slept better last night, probably because my 8:30 class got cancelled and I got to sleep in. I applied for a summer internship a couple of days ago. It's with a Minneapolis video studio. I've seen a lot of their videos online. They do a lot of weddings. So maybe, if I'm "hired" I'll be going to a lot of weddings this summer.

That sounds kind of exciting.

End - Wednesday - 1:28am.

Song of the Week 2-19-11

I originally had a different song planned but this song came to me instead. I like this one.